Guilt vs Gratitude

Last week I took my son to a Diamondbacks game. I have attended alot of games, but never had I ever paid for the tickets on my own. For the first time in my life I am standing on my own two feet. I am having to fend for myself, and truly be the nurturer and provider for my babies.

While sitting in our seats in the 29th row behind home plate, feelings of gratitude along guilt started to fill my heart. I am so grateful that I have come so far so quickly, and have so many blessings in my life. Then, the guilt starts to creep in.

Guilt because I have so much in such a little time. Recovery not unlike everything else in life came so easily to me. I have always been a quick learner, adaptable and flexible. But to have lost the desire before 90 days and by the time I had a year of clean time under my belt I had the trust and friendship of my children and my parents back, as well as my friends along with an amazing job, that afforded me a newer vehicle and nice things for my children.

In the past when I had felt this guilt, I would catch myself asking, "why?"  Now, I don't ask, "why?"  I simply whisper, "Thank You."

Recovery and Beyond

Buzz Lightyears catch phrase, "to infinity and beyond"...Mine, has formulated into some morph  of Recovery and Beyond. I can understand why most (recovering) addicts get sucked into a life of 12 step meetings. Once you have "recovered" what else is left for them to do? 

I took a different path..a path filled with living. In doing that, I did open the door to the floods of pain that life and living bring...but I so do not regret the choices I have made since walking out of the 12 step rooms of so-called recovery.

I chose God and The Universe as my sponsors. I chose my children and close friends as my support group. I chose ME.  Things get difficult and can be a struggle at times, but when I come out on top at the end of it all, the feelings of confidence, strength, and love are so worth it all.

Things are not always going to work out the way we want them...but they do always work out the way God and the Universe intended them to. I am just along for the ride, but what a ride it is!  With all the twists and turns and loop-de-loops...you just gotta throw up when its over and get back in line!

CHERRIES & BERRIES BABY

...Still Changing...

One thing for certain, that will never change, is that things always change. Life is a lot like a clock. There are many moving pieces, it is always a clock, but always in motion and forever changing. Tonight, I am feeling very nostalgic, very humbled, quite grateful and blessed. Enjoying all the challenges and changes that winds carry into our lives. May God and the Universe bless you as I have been.

The Times, They Are A Changin'

Its been over 6 months since my last post, and I know I keep saying, "This time I will keep my blog up to date!"...but something always seems to happen in life after I say that in a post. So this time, I say I will post when I have something for the good of the "group". But a great friend of mine suggested I keep up with my blog on a more regular basis because in his opinion it helps me maintain my Serenity which I have lost a bit of along the way...Not enough to relapse, but enough to make it uncomfortable.

When I last posted, I was engaged, preparing to move in with my fiance either in Washington or here in the valley, working on obtaining a newer vehicle with him and maintaining a high level of Serenity everyday. I look back and re-read that blog over and over I am amazed at how annoyingly happy I was.

Ironic how time changes things.

The Rocky Road. Part Two.

My Sobriety Date. April 3, 2011.

It was the weekend of my middle child's 16th birthday. All of the family except for her and I went out of town. She and I stayed home so that we could spend time together and she could celebrate her 'Sweet Sixteen' Saturday night and Sunday night with her friends.

I'm not going to get into the sorted details of that night...all I will say is the night consisted of me making several very poor choices, that ended with me collapsing on the floor of the garage. I was left there for a few hours until my daughter was awakened and she desperately tried unsuccessfully to get me to come to. Not knowing what else to do, she called 911, got me to the hospital, got herself to the hospital and got me checked into the hospital and ensured that I was being taken care of. She made so many sacrifices that weekend. Her 'Sweet Sixteen' was spent by my side at the hospital.

Apparently, I still was not on the right path. Little did I know, the right path would soon be presented to me...all I had to do was make the decision to put one foot forward on that path. I am proud to say, that ten months later, I am so grateful that I made the decision to travel down this new path.

Tomorrow I will be celebrating being 10 months clean and sober. I have an amazing family, who for the most part, are very supportive. I am engaged to a wonderful man who has known from the beginning where I have come from and what I have done, and never has judged me or treated me any differently. I have a great job that I enjoy and I get to work with great people. My life is very different today than it was two years ago, even 5 years ago. I am truly happy, healthy and loved.

The Rocky Road. Part One.

So much has happened this past year that I don't really know exactly where to begin...So, maybe it would be best to begin where I left off...Good place to start, right?

When a bomb is dropped, there is the initial huge explosion that occurs that causes mass destruction...but the destruction doesn't end there. There is "fallout" that happens months after the bomb is dropped. The same is true in recovery. Once we finally come to the conclusion that we are powerless, usually after we "drop a bomb," the wreckage of our past and the "fallout" for the poor choices we made continues on for months...sometimes, surprising us when we least expect it. My story is no different.

In the fall of last year, I began my road to recovery. At times I wish I could say it was an easy road, newly paved, so no bumps or potholes to speak of. However, the road to recovery that I have been traveling is not smooth nor straight. Its a very narrow road that is windy, with many twists and turns, ups and downs...very rocky and has its share of potholes and loose man-covers. I did well to stay on the straight and narrow, however as time crept on, the ashes and fallout from the destruction and wreckage of bomb continued to fill the sky and in January 2011, I hit a huge brick wall, that came out of no where, cutting off my road, causing a major detour.

In October when I had to resign from the job that I loved the most and pretty much lived for day-to-day, I had thought that was my "bottom" but I was wrong. In January, I was still in a very toxic relationship, my kids pretty much lived with my parents, I had no job, no income and was losing my house. My parents were not talking to me and had pretty much disowned me at this point. The truck I had worked so hard to purchase was inoperable due to catching fire after a road trip and I had no way of fixing it, let alone making the payments on it. This was a whole new low for me, another "bottom" I thought.

No longer wanting to be a burden in anyone's life, especially my parents as well as my children's, I decided there was only one thing left to do...to end it all. I was done, I was nowhere near the finish line, but was ready to conceit to this marathon and get off the road for good.

I woke up in a hospital room with tubes coming out of what seemed to be everywhere, and as I looked to my side, the first thing I saw as I came completely alert, was my dad, crying holding my hand. He moved the hair from my face, kissed me on the forehead, and told me he loved me. He gained his composure, then was gone. He returned two days later informing me that I could no longer go on like this, and he could no longer watch me self destruct. I was to let everything go and move into his house with my mother and my children and they would help me to get well, and rebuild my life.

Things were going well for me, for almost four months I stayed clean and sober. I was attending CA meetings once or twice a week. My friends were keeping me busy and taking me on many road trips and my family was relieved that I was not around so much. I was eating again, doing well with my Wellbutrin, no panic attacks or anxiety. I was feeling healthy and having much energy and had found love again. Did I finally find the cure? Was I finally on the right path?

Lost, Apparently. Not, Forgotten

Sitting at work bored, since I am all caught up on my work and have helped my team with their work as much as I can, I decided to browse FaceBook. I stumbled upon a post about my daughter on a family friend's website. It was a link to a blog she did about my daughter. Then it suddenly dawned on me, "Deb, You have a blog! How long has it been since you have journaled and posted to your blog?" December 2010. I have not posted anything in almost a year. I was saddened a bit by this thought, because so much has happened since I last posted-so much experience, strength, and hope that can not only help other addicts, but people struggling someway in their life. The trials and tribulations and my triumphs can be of a support to others no matter what their current struggles are. I have reset my priorities and my goals and have re-dedicated myself to maintaining my blog, and keeping it current for my Life on Life's Terms. I do this only in the hopes of helping others to know there is a better way and that they too, if they dream it, they can achieve it.