Better Days Ahead

**this blog is dedicated to my dad...He is my Absolem in my Underland...I love you Daddy**

After weeks of awkwardness with my family, everything came to blows Tuesday...and it was a bit shakey for a few days...but after quite a lengthy conversation with my dad (four hours to be exact) I feel as though he still believes in me...and most importantly...he still loves me...

Addiction and Depression not only affect the user, but also has a huge impact on the family. Addiction and Depression hurts the families more sometimes than the addict themselves. It is because of this that support groups were also created to support the families learn how to cope with and deal with the "addict" as well as how families can help the addict. My uncle suggested to my dad that they attend Al-anon to help understand what path lies ahead for me in recovery as well as how they can process the emotions they are feeling for the hurt that I have caused them. I am so grateful that my family is willing to do this not only for themselves, but for me as well.

Al-anon and Alateen offer friends and families of alcoholics (and addicts) strength and hope. "It is estimated that each alcoholic (addict) affects the lives of at least four other people... alcoholism (addiction) is truly a family disease." (Al-Anon)  Al-anon offers support to the friends and families to help their relationship with the alcoholic/addict whether or not they are still drinking/using. 

I know that there is much Serenity and many.......Better Days Ahead.

Debbie--Disconnected

Yesterday...Sucked...I was faced with many demons as I went about my day...The disconnection from my family was made crystal clear when I wasn't invited to the "family birthday dinner" for my oldest child. My brother finally told me how he really feels about me...and my best friend packed up their things and moved out after yelling at me that they liked me better when I was doing cocaine and drinking, because at least I stood up for myself...

I thought about drinking till I passed out (cocaine never crossed my mind), but then, I would be doing what I always do-mask the emotion-instead of dealing with it and processing it...So, I processed...I went through many phases crying cuz my heart is broken, to praying to God to end it all, to pissed off-Who the hell do they think they are?  (sound familiar?) and sent a couple texts to my butthead of a brother. All while I watched Harry Potter...LoL...eating Pringles, drinking Capri Sun...Good news is I handled it sober and didn't have a panic attack.  =)

I was faced with some of my greatest fears last night, and woke up this morning, alive, healthy and refreshed. I learned a lot about myself yesterday, as well as those around me...I learned the most about my family. It saddens me to have learned what I did...but, I'm wiser and stronger now...Two strengths that will get me through this.

The Homeless Label

Presently, no job...no money...Disconnected from family and friends.
Soon, no phone...no home...no car.  Whats your next step Debbie?

I have even asked myself this same question...too many times to count...

Well, everyday I do little things here and there on the Internet to make a little bit money, while I apply to anything anywhere in hopes of paying rent and the bills. I have also tried renting out the two extra rooms in my house until the lease is up in March...Still nothing.

Why is it that everything is such a struggle for me lately?

It looks as though I get to add the label homeless to many other recent labels. You know, the OCD label...the addict label...the alcoholic label...the depressed label...the anxiety label...

They say God doesn't give us more than we can handle...apparently He has misunderstood the strength of me...

Do the Meds Really Help You?

For me, the answer is...YeS! Through my treatment and being "forced" (for lack of a better word) to contemplate over past behaviors, I learned that I was not coping with my emotions, instead I was masking them with other mood altering substances...such as tobacco, alcohol, and yes, drugs. The anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medications truly help me to process thoughts, feelings and emotions in healthy ways...I don't even want to drink, let alone do drugs...even at my lowest points. Smoking...well, that continues to be a struggle, but not as much as it used to be...

Suffering from depression and anxiety doesn't have to be a bad thing, if you seek the help you need from doctors. Banner hospitals has a great program. I am indebted to the staff at Banner Thunderbird for all that they did for me. The support they offer the patients is amazing. I never felt judged and they never mistreated me. Only my mental and emotional health, welfare and safety were their concerns.  I can never thank them enough for giving me "Me" back.

A special shout out to Kuba...Thank you for your late night folk-tales and metaphors and pep-talks...You really made me think about the situation I have gotten myself in, and how to learn and grow from this situation. Thank you.

Serenity.

To Tell the Truth or Not To Tell the Truth...That is the Question

I created this blog in hopes of helping others to realize they are not alone, whether they are dealing with addiction, depression, anxiety, or any disorder for that matter. That someone out there like them has experienced the same struggle...Its comforting when we realize we are never really alone. So, I blog and I journal...I have shared and plan to share my innermost thoughts, feelings and struggles as well as my triumphs. Today, I celebrate more than thirty days of sobriety from alcohol and drugs.  I shared my blog with my friends in hopes they would understand why I have been acting "strange" over the past few months...Well, they understand...but some of them are no longer friends. One helped to get me fired, one said they couldnt ever be associated with a junkie...another always says she's too busy to talk "I'll call you tomorrow"...then my favorite, "call me when you celebrate one year of sobriety." The list doesn't end there...I've been deleted from friends lists, blocked from others, and the immediate send off right to voice mail when calling...

I know I messed up...I know people feel betrayed...I know that most of my "friends" have never been exposed to drugs and were raised to believe that people who do drugs are bad people who belong in jail...people who use drugs are the scum of the earth and are not worth the time of day God has given them...So, I understand the knee jerk reaction to push me out of their lives...but don't the good things I have done, the good person I was account for anything? 

I guess not...Once a Junkie, Always a Junkie.