The Rocky Road. Part Two.

My Sobriety Date. April 3, 2011.

It was the weekend of my middle child's 16th birthday. All of the family except for her and I went out of town. She and I stayed home so that we could spend time together and she could celebrate her 'Sweet Sixteen' Saturday night and Sunday night with her friends.

I'm not going to get into the sorted details of that night...all I will say is the night consisted of me making several very poor choices, that ended with me collapsing on the floor of the garage. I was left there for a few hours until my daughter was awakened and she desperately tried unsuccessfully to get me to come to. Not knowing what else to do, she called 911, got me to the hospital, got herself to the hospital and got me checked into the hospital and ensured that I was being taken care of. She made so many sacrifices that weekend. Her 'Sweet Sixteen' was spent by my side at the hospital.

Apparently, I still was not on the right path. Little did I know, the right path would soon be presented to me...all I had to do was make the decision to put one foot forward on that path. I am proud to say, that ten months later, I am so grateful that I made the decision to travel down this new path.

Tomorrow I will be celebrating being 10 months clean and sober. I have an amazing family, who for the most part, are very supportive. I am engaged to a wonderful man who has known from the beginning where I have come from and what I have done, and never has judged me or treated me any differently. I have a great job that I enjoy and I get to work with great people. My life is very different today than it was two years ago, even 5 years ago. I am truly happy, healthy and loved.

The Rocky Road. Part One.

So much has happened this past year that I don't really know exactly where to begin...So, maybe it would be best to begin where I left off...Good place to start, right?

When a bomb is dropped, there is the initial huge explosion that occurs that causes mass destruction...but the destruction doesn't end there. There is "fallout" that happens months after the bomb is dropped. The same is true in recovery. Once we finally come to the conclusion that we are powerless, usually after we "drop a bomb," the wreckage of our past and the "fallout" for the poor choices we made continues on for months...sometimes, surprising us when we least expect it. My story is no different.

In the fall of last year, I began my road to recovery. At times I wish I could say it was an easy road, newly paved, so no bumps or potholes to speak of. However, the road to recovery that I have been traveling is not smooth nor straight. Its a very narrow road that is windy, with many twists and turns, ups and downs...very rocky and has its share of potholes and loose man-covers. I did well to stay on the straight and narrow, however as time crept on, the ashes and fallout from the destruction and wreckage of bomb continued to fill the sky and in January 2011, I hit a huge brick wall, that came out of no where, cutting off my road, causing a major detour.

In October when I had to resign from the job that I loved the most and pretty much lived for day-to-day, I had thought that was my "bottom" but I was wrong. In January, I was still in a very toxic relationship, my kids pretty much lived with my parents, I had no job, no income and was losing my house. My parents were not talking to me and had pretty much disowned me at this point. The truck I had worked so hard to purchase was inoperable due to catching fire after a road trip and I had no way of fixing it, let alone making the payments on it. This was a whole new low for me, another "bottom" I thought.

No longer wanting to be a burden in anyone's life, especially my parents as well as my children's, I decided there was only one thing left to do...to end it all. I was done, I was nowhere near the finish line, but was ready to conceit to this marathon and get off the road for good.

I woke up in a hospital room with tubes coming out of what seemed to be everywhere, and as I looked to my side, the first thing I saw as I came completely alert, was my dad, crying holding my hand. He moved the hair from my face, kissed me on the forehead, and told me he loved me. He gained his composure, then was gone. He returned two days later informing me that I could no longer go on like this, and he could no longer watch me self destruct. I was to let everything go and move into his house with my mother and my children and they would help me to get well, and rebuild my life.

Things were going well for me, for almost four months I stayed clean and sober. I was attending CA meetings once or twice a week. My friends were keeping me busy and taking me on many road trips and my family was relieved that I was not around so much. I was eating again, doing well with my Wellbutrin, no panic attacks or anxiety. I was feeling healthy and having much energy and had found love again. Did I finally find the cure? Was I finally on the right path?

Lost, Apparently. Not, Forgotten

Sitting at work bored, since I am all caught up on my work and have helped my team with their work as much as I can, I decided to browse FaceBook. I stumbled upon a post about my daughter on a family friend's website. It was a link to a blog she did about my daughter. Then it suddenly dawned on me, "Deb, You have a blog! How long has it been since you have journaled and posted to your blog?" December 2010. I have not posted anything in almost a year. I was saddened a bit by this thought, because so much has happened since I last posted-so much experience, strength, and hope that can not only help other addicts, but people struggling someway in their life. The trials and tribulations and my triumphs can be of a support to others no matter what their current struggles are. I have reset my priorities and my goals and have re-dedicated myself to maintaining my blog, and keeping it current for my Life on Life's Terms. I do this only in the hopes of helping others to know there is a better way and that they too, if they dream it, they can achieve it.

Meds...Helpful or Hurtful?

A really good friend of mine shared with me that a close friend of hers is trying to get off anti-depressants and the depression is getting worse than before she started taking them! She doesn't know how to help her so hopefully I can give her some inspiration.


Wikipedia defines an antidepressant as "a psychiatric medication used to alleviate mood disorders" and continues to explain that "[their] effectiveness and adverse effects are the subject of many studies..." Which I would have to agree is true. Are antidepressants effective, and worth the adverse effects they can have on an individual?

I believe the answer to this question is up to each individual person in their search for inner peace and happiness. First, looking at what caused the depression; secondly, strategize...how to combat it, whether that be with medication, deciding if the side effects will hinder your mental healing or help.

After I was admitted into the hospital, I was labeled with a few diagnoses then prescribed Celexa. Since they were not sure how it would react with my system because of my malnutrition and vitamin deficiency and other substances, the doctor started me off on a low dosage to monitor the possible side effects as well as how I would adjust to the medication. Celexa (Citalopram) works by increasing the amount of serotonin, a natural substance in the brain that helps maintain mental balance.[1]

Side effects of Celexa are different for many people. Some people experience nausea, diarrhea, vomiting, stomach pain, drowsiness, excessive tiredness, uncontrollable shaking of a part of the body, excitement or nervousness, muscle or joint pain, and/or loss of appetite. When I first began taking Celexa, I experienced the drowsiness and had numbness and tingling in my face and arms and legs; however I did not experience any of the other symptoms. As I started eating again and taking vitamins, as well as adjusting to the medication, the side effects I was experiencing went away. Recently however, I had forgotten a dosage so I took a pill as soon as I remembered and it did induce vomiting. (But for those of you who know me well, know that just eating can cause me to vomit. LoL)

As with any medication, it is imperative that you see a health care professional while taking. Antidepressants are not like cold medicine or antibiotics that you can just stop taking when you are feeling better. In some instances stopping the medication cold turkey can have the same effect as when the person first started taking the medication, or even make the symptoms worse. According to the FDA, "It is very important that you do not stop [your] antidepressant without first checking with the prescribing doctor. Also, some of these medications may be associated with discontinuation symptoms if stopped abruptly, so that, if the doctor advises that the medication should be stopped, be sure to follow the doctor’s advice about how to accomplish this."[2]

Hopefully I have helped someone in their reading this...It is my motivation and inspiration for blogging my experiences. May God and the Universe bless you.  HuGz.


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1. http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001041
2. http://www.fda.gov/Drugs/DrugSafety/InformationbyDrugClass/ucm096321.htm#6

The Rocky Road

It has been a evolutionary roller coaster as I travel down the path to sobriety and healthy living. Which is also my excuse for not posting in over a month.

I sometimes still feel like Alice Through the Looking Glass...My dad is my all wise caterpillar in wonderland...Tony the Cheshire Cat...My mom the Queen of the Roses...Even though I am Alice, I believe with my clinical diagnoses, I am also the Mad-Hatter...LoL...

I have adjusted quite nicely to my clinical issues over the past two months. I haven't had any panic attacks in a month and have weened myself off of the vistaryl. I work out everyday, take my vitamins and supplements, and try to eat three meals a day, and three small snacks...Its hard work being healthy!  =)  But ever-so worth it. However, the family situation is still quite a rocky one...

My youngest child still loves Mommy and we enjoy our cuddle time everyday. My youngest daughter, my mini-me, loves me even though she's frustrated with the way things have gone these past 9 months...she believes in me and my recovery and is understanding. My oldest is and always will be daddys little girl...no matter what happens, she will always judge me and my faults and her daddy will always be the one person in her life that gets the "Get Out of Jail Free" card. I love her so much and admire her for her ambition and steadfastness...one day maybe she will see and understand that life isnt always black and white...Its colorful and brilliant and not always so easy to figure out sometimes...

I am getting back into the swing of things...and have re-dedicated myself to Me as well as to my blog.  =) 

Better Days Ahead

**this blog is dedicated to my dad...He is my Absolem in my Underland...I love you Daddy**

After weeks of awkwardness with my family, everything came to blows Tuesday...and it was a bit shakey for a few days...but after quite a lengthy conversation with my dad (four hours to be exact) I feel as though he still believes in me...and most importantly...he still loves me...

Addiction and Depression not only affect the user, but also has a huge impact on the family. Addiction and Depression hurts the families more sometimes than the addict themselves. It is because of this that support groups were also created to support the families learn how to cope with and deal with the "addict" as well as how families can help the addict. My uncle suggested to my dad that they attend Al-anon to help understand what path lies ahead for me in recovery as well as how they can process the emotions they are feeling for the hurt that I have caused them. I am so grateful that my family is willing to do this not only for themselves, but for me as well.

Al-anon and Alateen offer friends and families of alcoholics (and addicts) strength and hope. "It is estimated that each alcoholic (addict) affects the lives of at least four other people... alcoholism (addiction) is truly a family disease." (Al-Anon)  Al-anon offers support to the friends and families to help their relationship with the alcoholic/addict whether or not they are still drinking/using. 

I know that there is much Serenity and many.......Better Days Ahead.

Debbie--Disconnected

Yesterday...Sucked...I was faced with many demons as I went about my day...The disconnection from my family was made crystal clear when I wasn't invited to the "family birthday dinner" for my oldest child. My brother finally told me how he really feels about me...and my best friend packed up their things and moved out after yelling at me that they liked me better when I was doing cocaine and drinking, because at least I stood up for myself...

I thought about drinking till I passed out (cocaine never crossed my mind), but then, I would be doing what I always do-mask the emotion-instead of dealing with it and processing it...So, I processed...I went through many phases crying cuz my heart is broken, to praying to God to end it all, to pissed off-Who the hell do they think they are?  (sound familiar?) and sent a couple texts to my butthead of a brother. All while I watched Harry Potter...LoL...eating Pringles, drinking Capri Sun...Good news is I handled it sober and didn't have a panic attack.  =)

I was faced with some of my greatest fears last night, and woke up this morning, alive, healthy and refreshed. I learned a lot about myself yesterday, as well as those around me...I learned the most about my family. It saddens me to have learned what I did...but, I'm wiser and stronger now...Two strengths that will get me through this.